Have You Ever Wondered if People Like You?

I have, many times. I’ve even asked… Do you like me?

Often I get ‘yes’.

Often I ask, ‘why?’.

‘What is it about me that you like?’

Recently I was told, ‘Well, I like you, but I don’t like you when you ask so many questions.’

Interesting.

My phone doesn’t ring all that often with personal calls, I don’t get an abundance of personal email, my Facebook page is sparse with friends, and my social calendar is filled mostly with activities I create rather than invitations from others.

I’ve often wondered if I was doing something wrong… I’ve even asked friends who I consider to be ‘social butterflies’ for insight… am I doing something wrong?

Perhaps it’s because when someone asks me ‘What do you think of xyz?’… I often respond… well, I like it, or I don’t like it… whichever is true… followed by

But who gives a shit what I think, if you like it, do whatever with it.

On it’s face that doesn’t sound very supportive does it. But it is the answer to the question they asked…

True, though also, that it is not the answer to the question they meant to ask.

People often come to me for advice with business, money and the like. My responses, always real, rarely the answer desired.

I just see no need to placate the ego’s desire to be validated. In fact, it seems dishonest to me, placating. It seems like an empty exchange.

It is not lost on me however that it is far from what most people consider ‘fun’. Perhaps this is the root of my confusion.

Is it wrong to seek validation, to want approval?

I used to think so. In fact I avoided it myself at all costs, until recently. Just the other day, a very dear soul, my mother, asked me ‘is it so wrong to want people to like you?’.

I recall a story she used to share. After working hard to sew a dress for this occasion or that, she asked her grandmother what she thought of it. Clearly a young girl would cherish the approval of her grandmother for all her hard work.

Her grandmother would reply, “well, I don’t see anything wrong with it”. Most could argue that hardly seems like a compliment…

Or is it? It was the answer to her question. What do you think of it? It is in fact a compliment of a reply, a truthful, honest, reply.

She did not find fault in it, in fact, quite the opposite, she remarked she found no fault at all.

My mom and her story have given me valuable insight over the years about finding value from within. Today the insight has grown to appreciating the value from outside.

Is it wrong to want people to like or approve of you? Heavens no, it’s a part of all of us, the desire to be wanted, to be part of the crowd, to be loved.

Perhaps there is some value in rephrasing the question.

Do you think I did a good work?

I do sometimes ask questions like this… be it slightly more directed to what I desire: ‘Will you look at this and tell me i did good? I’m feeling inadequate and I need some good vibe… some validation’

I recently got a real answer to my question ‘Do you like me, and why?’. The answer was “no, because having conversations with you is difficult, it’s hard work.”

After some reflection… It made me smile.

My reply. “Thank you for caring so much to answer my question honestly. Thank you for being so brave and courageous to risk the consequence of an honest reply. Thank you for the compliment, it means the world to me.”

rk

Comments

  1. mariolemy says:

    From the videos (3 hours yesterday), today i was checking the source…..

    I could have wrote this article word for word (even the mom question)!?! I was hoping for the answer to the question (how to know what people want when THEY use the wrong words or only seek validation… how can one figure which is!?)

    LSS- my 20 was my transition normal emotional being to a full on logical one (theoretical-physic is a fun addiction, chemical-wise) underming emotion everywhere. Since, my 30, in retrospect, everything went to shit, life got tough as if there was a dis-balance.

    So, the whole spirit-science has the same effect as theoretical-physic and my feel-good chemical working just as well with either.

    Now, I fall into the problem of not knowing how to get back on the emotional-horse as i don’t know how to “feel” truly…. makes me feel like a fraud to try.

    I have a feeling that the next tab will help with my problem…. haven’t read it yet
    http://raykamille.com/featured/fake-it-till-you-make-it.html#.VwCeLub4YqQ

  2. Analee says:

    Hi. I’m new to this site. Great post. I really appreciate your honesty and transparency.

    It seems like you are more of a truth seeker, than a harmony seeker. You have a very clear and direct communication style. Cool. Have you thought about how others perceive you when you have these direct conversations? I’m not suggesting you stop being honest or transparent – that is a great strength for you. I am also not suggesting any style of communication is better than another – there is a time and place for everything and each style lends itself very well to different circumstances.

    I would be curious to know you MBTI personality type. There are a lot of decent free assessments online and lots of great information to learn about ourselves and others. Just a suggestion.

    http://careerassessmentsite.com/assessments/mbti/789-communication-style/

    Have you done any shadow work? Our biggest weakness is usually our biggest strength just dialed up a little too high. I would consider thinking about that as well and how that might relate to this situation. 🙂

    http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

  3. Andy says:

    If you would have asked me after the first video I saw with the purple Ray character then I would have said no. I thought your voice sounded too fragile and weak and I almost couldn’t hear what you where saying which didn’t go hand in hand with the powerful messages you where giving. But now I say: YES! I DO like you, most because you are hounest and inspiring.

    I have a hard time accepting new people and I think that applies to them as well as a mirror effect right back at me. Recently I don’t even have to say anything bad to anyone for them to really feel it, I just have to think it. It’s a bit scary..and I think I notice it more when it is something negative related. Maby I focus too much on the negative aspects of things, I’m not sure.

    By the way, I can get hubris if I get too much appreciation and I think for me it’s best to just do as much projects as possible and do it as a train that almost never looks back. It helps me to have my feet on the ground and not think too highly about myself and get stuck in my own ego, but it is non stop work for me.

    Love from Berlin
    Andy

    • Ray says:

      Yes, Andy…. I understand exactly what you are saying. It is an odd feeling to know and choose to stand and watch rather than act purposefully or otherwise.

      I once learned that sometimes choosing to stand and watch is purposeful action… ironic to be sure. I also have to watch my definition of ‘too much’. It sometimes gets me into trouble 😉

      My love to you Andy, thank you for reading, thank you for commenting. Thank you for your honesty.

  4. Krystle says:

    Sometimes I ask questions directly and the response I get is, “That’s a loaded question”. What does a loaded question mean to you, and how can I reword or rephrase it to not sound like a loaded question to get a response that I desire or an honest answer? I’ve said many times that I will be as honest as I can so that nobody is as confused as I’ve been. So I desire honest answers for the most part anyway. 🙂

    • Jacob Newman says:

      I feel like when some one replies with that response it is because they are processing your question. Much like a computer processes a command, people need time to process a, “loaded question”, or you might say “command”. I don’t think it is a sense of rewording but that of re-communicating; by that I mean walk with them through the conversation fishing out the answer gently but not to rip it out and leave part of their response in the gap opened by your force.

      I hope this helped and all my love to you – Jacob

    • Ray says:

      For me, if it’s loaded with a genuine desire to know the answer… wether it’s my question to them, or one to me… I say fire away. Just smile ;).

      Sometime’s I even say… yes it is, loaded with a genuine desire to know the answer

  5. Blazer says:

    I find this very tight to the freedom of speech without judgement. Thank you. This is helpful.

  6. sam jones says:

    powerful

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